It's time. (Bear with me, composition is not one of my strengths.)
Time to open up. i already can't stand the idea of doing
this, because it goes against most of what i'm about. Over time, i've come to
the conclusion that for some reason, people really don’t care what i have to
say. i probably over-analyzed people’s reactions (or lack thereof) when i was
speaking. Part of it also probably came from my passion to make silly, corny
jokes, which speaking the majority of the time resulted in people not being
able to take me seriously anyway.
i came to the conclusion that if i started to speak about things i was thinking about or things i was interested in or accomplished, people would just pass me by. So i learned to listen. And all i ever really have done is listen. And remember. i remember quite a bit about the majority of people i’ve met, and i think this is also a factor in my being upset at times and over-analyzing things. i feel as though since i remember a lot of things about people and try to pick up conversations where we left off, they should remember things about me, too….right?
This lack of opening up or just talking in general came from a long time ago….at least i think it did. Back when i was around 11, my bubbly, over extroverted self, i was told that i talked too much. Hmm. Maybe i take things too personally, but that hit deep. In fact, from that point on, i figured that if i was quiet for a few years and didn’t say anything, then when i started talking people would listen. The result…being quiet all of my junior high, just to speak and have…no change. So that’s where i learned to smile and nod. At least show that i was interested in what people said while remaining mostly silent, so that it didn’t seem like i was a complete jerk. (Note to the reader: i think. A lot. It might even be unhealthy how much i think.)
So then, college. Yeah, big jump, but not much changed since that time anyway. So i show up, and almost immediately find a group of people who i would cling to for a few years. i felt accepted for (mostly) me for the first time in a long, long while. Some prodded for a little bit for me to open up, to go past the surface-level freshman that i was. i kinda fit in. It felt nice, but it wasn’t exactly what i had hoped for. Sure, i had already started a better social life that i could’ve quite imagined, but it had its other side of the coin. For some reason, i was the kind of guy that has that personality that seems to be able to take a lot of teasing and flak without reacting. And i think that’s why it continued for years to come, because i didn’t stand up (for fear of being seen as weak and potentially losing that social group) and just let the jokes ensue. Sure, the group loved to tease, but nine times out of ten, it seemed i was the one who ended up getting to be the butt of all the jokes. (i’m not great at teasing, and i don’t want to be. i just can’t picture myself finding some sense of satisfaction at another’s potential hurt. Words hurt, people.)
Anyway, continuing through college, applying my exhaustive listening skills, i seemed to have developed a certain ability to connect with people that others couldn’t quite connect with. This had its ups and downs (by no means am i saying that being opened up to was a down, i’ll clarify in a minute.) Being able to show a genuine interest in a person’s life and seeing their earnest trust in my attention was rather rewarding. Sure, most of the time i didn’t have any kind of answer to give people, but i listened, which i think helps half the time, anyway.
Now what i meant by downs is that once people started to take notice of how easily people began to open up to me, i felt as though some people used this. i often heard, “Hey, go talk to this person and find out what’s wrong, they’re my good friend.” (Call me selfish, but that’s not exactly my responsibility, and they are your friend, wouldn’t you know them better than me?) So as a result, i tried my best not to bring to light this ‘ability’ i had, which i know several other people who do, as well. It’s not rare at all.
Jump again. So i decided to start trying to open up, and i feel this is where my social perspective started to change quite a bit. Opening up didn’t bring about the results i had anticipated. Yes, people listened, and yes people remembered, but it seemed to be such a fleeting moment in conversation. Not that i wanted to discuss things about me every day, but to have the very people who pointed out to me that i didn’t open up, not even cordially receive my act of opening up, made me become more grounded in the idea that what i had to say wasn’t important. So i shut up for a short while (not quite a whole three years again, not making that mistake again) and continued to just listen and live a surface-level life.
Don’t we all just want to fit in? To be fought for? To have someone go the extra mile for us? i know i did. i figured if i just waited until someone made it completely clear (without my over-analytical approach) that they wanted to know me more than anyone else, it could happen. Well, that’s basically a fairy tale, because people are only willing to invest a certain amount of time in people before giving up or assuming something else. Besides, smiles can fool people who aren’t looking for something beneath a smile.
So after a while, i was asked by a couple of my friends why i didn’t let people know about things going on in my life, and that’s when i thought, “Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe i should just start explaining. This is good.” So i started, stating that it began when someone told me that i talked too much…..as soon as those words had left my lips….the attention to the spilling of my guts had been diverted to a quick tease to me talking to much already. Wow. If you’ve ever wondered why i don’t open up, well it’s because the majority of the time i get the feeling that the listener doesn’t care, and i have plenty of examples to show it. i barely open up to the few, very few people i know currently care right now, and have very little to no intention of trying to open up to new people for fear of history repeating itself. Seriously, if someone starts to tell their life story, shut up and listen. Don’t speak in jest.
i came to the conclusion that if i started to speak about things i was thinking about or things i was interested in or accomplished, people would just pass me by. So i learned to listen. And all i ever really have done is listen. And remember. i remember quite a bit about the majority of people i’ve met, and i think this is also a factor in my being upset at times and over-analyzing things. i feel as though since i remember a lot of things about people and try to pick up conversations where we left off, they should remember things about me, too….right?
This lack of opening up or just talking in general came from a long time ago….at least i think it did. Back when i was around 11, my bubbly, over extroverted self, i was told that i talked too much. Hmm. Maybe i take things too personally, but that hit deep. In fact, from that point on, i figured that if i was quiet for a few years and didn’t say anything, then when i started talking people would listen. The result…being quiet all of my junior high, just to speak and have…no change. So that’s where i learned to smile and nod. At least show that i was interested in what people said while remaining mostly silent, so that it didn’t seem like i was a complete jerk. (Note to the reader: i think. A lot. It might even be unhealthy how much i think.)
So then, college. Yeah, big jump, but not much changed since that time anyway. So i show up, and almost immediately find a group of people who i would cling to for a few years. i felt accepted for (mostly) me for the first time in a long, long while. Some prodded for a little bit for me to open up, to go past the surface-level freshman that i was. i kinda fit in. It felt nice, but it wasn’t exactly what i had hoped for. Sure, i had already started a better social life that i could’ve quite imagined, but it had its other side of the coin. For some reason, i was the kind of guy that has that personality that seems to be able to take a lot of teasing and flak without reacting. And i think that’s why it continued for years to come, because i didn’t stand up (for fear of being seen as weak and potentially losing that social group) and just let the jokes ensue. Sure, the group loved to tease, but nine times out of ten, it seemed i was the one who ended up getting to be the butt of all the jokes. (i’m not great at teasing, and i don’t want to be. i just can’t picture myself finding some sense of satisfaction at another’s potential hurt. Words hurt, people.)
Anyway, continuing through college, applying my exhaustive listening skills, i seemed to have developed a certain ability to connect with people that others couldn’t quite connect with. This had its ups and downs (by no means am i saying that being opened up to was a down, i’ll clarify in a minute.) Being able to show a genuine interest in a person’s life and seeing their earnest trust in my attention was rather rewarding. Sure, most of the time i didn’t have any kind of answer to give people, but i listened, which i think helps half the time, anyway.
Now what i meant by downs is that once people started to take notice of how easily people began to open up to me, i felt as though some people used this. i often heard, “Hey, go talk to this person and find out what’s wrong, they’re my good friend.” (Call me selfish, but that’s not exactly my responsibility, and they are your friend, wouldn’t you know them better than me?) So as a result, i tried my best not to bring to light this ‘ability’ i had, which i know several other people who do, as well. It’s not rare at all.
Jump again. So i decided to start trying to open up, and i feel this is where my social perspective started to change quite a bit. Opening up didn’t bring about the results i had anticipated. Yes, people listened, and yes people remembered, but it seemed to be such a fleeting moment in conversation. Not that i wanted to discuss things about me every day, but to have the very people who pointed out to me that i didn’t open up, not even cordially receive my act of opening up, made me become more grounded in the idea that what i had to say wasn’t important. So i shut up for a short while (not quite a whole three years again, not making that mistake again) and continued to just listen and live a surface-level life.
Don’t we all just want to fit in? To be fought for? To have someone go the extra mile for us? i know i did. i figured if i just waited until someone made it completely clear (without my over-analytical approach) that they wanted to know me more than anyone else, it could happen. Well, that’s basically a fairy tale, because people are only willing to invest a certain amount of time in people before giving up or assuming something else. Besides, smiles can fool people who aren’t looking for something beneath a smile.
So after a while, i was asked by a couple of my friends why i didn’t let people know about things going on in my life, and that’s when i thought, “Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe i should just start explaining. This is good.” So i started, stating that it began when someone told me that i talked too much…..as soon as those words had left my lips….the attention to the spilling of my guts had been diverted to a quick tease to me talking to much already. Wow. If you’ve ever wondered why i don’t open up, well it’s because the majority of the time i get the feeling that the listener doesn’t care, and i have plenty of examples to show it. i barely open up to the few, very few people i know currently care right now, and have very little to no intention of trying to open up to new people for fear of history repeating itself. Seriously, if someone starts to tell their life story, shut up and listen. Don’t speak in jest.
Well, that was different. i can say i’m definitely not used
to this, because i feel as though posts like this will be seen as
attention-getting or venting or unnecessary, but i’m sure at least one positive
thing can come from this, if not me trying to be open. That’s all.
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