Desperation. What does that mean?
Feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with.
(of an act or attempt) Tried in despair or when everything else has failed; having little hope of success.
For what you believe in, for what you stand up for, are you desperate for that? Do you cling to that because you don't think anything else will do? Every day, do you wake up with it on your mind, only to finish the day with it still on your mind? i know that i can't say this all the time.
Imagine being trapped in a room, completely sealed shut. No doors, windows, cracks, vents...no means of letting anything in or out. Time, and air, is running out. It's only then, that you start to really appreciate the ability to breathe. But just as all hope seems lost, an opening is made in a wall, and the coolest, cleanest breeze of oxygen flows through and fills up that room.
Question...
When you take that first breath of air....do you savor it? How about the second...or third...or nth? How long do you go, enjoying the ability to breathe, and breathe, and breathe......before you forget that you were in that moment of desperation, and removed all blindness to a need for air....and end up taking for granted the amazing and complex system of respiration that it hides in the back of your mind...only to be forgotten again.
So, Christians....why don't we live each and every second with Christ on our mind? The One who saved us, "while we were still sinners." [Romans 5:8] It's crazy, not to mention frightfully convicting, that (many times) i have been able to go a whole day.....without intentionally focusing on my Savior. Shoot.
Is there a cure for this? A formula? A one-time action that will fix our forgetfulness? .....Nope. And to be honest, the problem isn't just forgetting, but neglecting and intentionally taking our focus off of the very Creator who gave us life, hope, and the ability to think.
Not all is lost. We are able to fight this. It's a daily battle, picking up the Bible. The divinely inspired, God-breathed, living Word of God. To be digested and immersed in....daily. [Galatians 5:16] "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." Yup.
Out of all the experiences i've had in my life, from extraordinary events in another country (some life-threatening), to other events that are just...out of this world or on a spiritual level that i can't quite explain in text....i still forget. i don't remember. Maybe, just maybe, i'm so content, complacent, comfortable....not dying daily to myself, so that i can end each day with self-humiliation and Christ-exaltation. But, fortunately (maybe?) to my comfort, i'm not the only one who forgets things such as this....Take, for instance, Joshua 4...God commands Joshua to have the group of people cross the Jordan. Waters parted...unnaturally. Why would someone forget something like this? Although, in addition to crossing through the parted waters, God commanded that one person from each of the twelve tribes pick up a stone and set it on the other side of the Jordan....as a memorial to that day....so that they had something to remember, to tell their children...because they would forget. That memorial served as a reminder.
What rock memorials are you creating in your life today? What steps are you taking to not forget?
[i just thought of Deuteronomy 8...you should give it a read....right now.]
Don't forget.
Saturday
It's Time
It's time. (Bear with me, composition is not one of my strengths.)
Time to open up. i already can't stand the idea of doing
this, because it goes against most of what i'm about. Over time, i've come to
the conclusion that for some reason, people really don’t care what i have to
say. i probably over-analyzed people’s reactions (or lack thereof) when i was
speaking. Part of it also probably came from my passion to make silly, corny
jokes, which speaking the majority of the time resulted in people not being
able to take me seriously anyway.
i came to the conclusion that if i started to speak about things i was thinking about or things i was interested in or accomplished, people would just pass me by. So i learned to listen. And all i ever really have done is listen. And remember. i remember quite a bit about the majority of people i’ve met, and i think this is also a factor in my being upset at times and over-analyzing things. i feel as though since i remember a lot of things about people and try to pick up conversations where we left off, they should remember things about me, too….right?
This lack of opening up or just talking in general came from a long time ago….at least i think it did. Back when i was around 11, my bubbly, over extroverted self, i was told that i talked too much. Hmm. Maybe i take things too personally, but that hit deep. In fact, from that point on, i figured that if i was quiet for a few years and didn’t say anything, then when i started talking people would listen. The result…being quiet all of my junior high, just to speak and have…no change. So that’s where i learned to smile and nod. At least show that i was interested in what people said while remaining mostly silent, so that it didn’t seem like i was a complete jerk. (Note to the reader: i think. A lot. It might even be unhealthy how much i think.)
So then, college. Yeah, big jump, but not much changed since that time anyway. So i show up, and almost immediately find a group of people who i would cling to for a few years. i felt accepted for (mostly) me for the first time in a long, long while. Some prodded for a little bit for me to open up, to go past the surface-level freshman that i was. i kinda fit in. It felt nice, but it wasn’t exactly what i had hoped for. Sure, i had already started a better social life that i could’ve quite imagined, but it had its other side of the coin. For some reason, i was the kind of guy that has that personality that seems to be able to take a lot of teasing and flak without reacting. And i think that’s why it continued for years to come, because i didn’t stand up (for fear of being seen as weak and potentially losing that social group) and just let the jokes ensue. Sure, the group loved to tease, but nine times out of ten, it seemed i was the one who ended up getting to be the butt of all the jokes. (i’m not great at teasing, and i don’t want to be. i just can’t picture myself finding some sense of satisfaction at another’s potential hurt. Words hurt, people.)
Anyway, continuing through college, applying my exhaustive listening skills, i seemed to have developed a certain ability to connect with people that others couldn’t quite connect with. This had its ups and downs (by no means am i saying that being opened up to was a down, i’ll clarify in a minute.) Being able to show a genuine interest in a person’s life and seeing their earnest trust in my attention was rather rewarding. Sure, most of the time i didn’t have any kind of answer to give people, but i listened, which i think helps half the time, anyway.
Now what i meant by downs is that once people started to take notice of how easily people began to open up to me, i felt as though some people used this. i often heard, “Hey, go talk to this person and find out what’s wrong, they’re my good friend.” (Call me selfish, but that’s not exactly my responsibility, and they are your friend, wouldn’t you know them better than me?) So as a result, i tried my best not to bring to light this ‘ability’ i had, which i know several other people who do, as well. It’s not rare at all.
Jump again. So i decided to start trying to open up, and i feel this is where my social perspective started to change quite a bit. Opening up didn’t bring about the results i had anticipated. Yes, people listened, and yes people remembered, but it seemed to be such a fleeting moment in conversation. Not that i wanted to discuss things about me every day, but to have the very people who pointed out to me that i didn’t open up, not even cordially receive my act of opening up, made me become more grounded in the idea that what i had to say wasn’t important. So i shut up for a short while (not quite a whole three years again, not making that mistake again) and continued to just listen and live a surface-level life.
Don’t we all just want to fit in? To be fought for? To have someone go the extra mile for us? i know i did. i figured if i just waited until someone made it completely clear (without my over-analytical approach) that they wanted to know me more than anyone else, it could happen. Well, that’s basically a fairy tale, because people are only willing to invest a certain amount of time in people before giving up or assuming something else. Besides, smiles can fool people who aren’t looking for something beneath a smile.
So after a while, i was asked by a couple of my friends why i didn’t let people know about things going on in my life, and that’s when i thought, “Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe i should just start explaining. This is good.” So i started, stating that it began when someone told me that i talked too much…..as soon as those words had left my lips….the attention to the spilling of my guts had been diverted to a quick tease to me talking to much already. Wow. If you’ve ever wondered why i don’t open up, well it’s because the majority of the time i get the feeling that the listener doesn’t care, and i have plenty of examples to show it. i barely open up to the few, very few people i know currently care right now, and have very little to no intention of trying to open up to new people for fear of history repeating itself. Seriously, if someone starts to tell their life story, shut up and listen. Don’t speak in jest.
i came to the conclusion that if i started to speak about things i was thinking about or things i was interested in or accomplished, people would just pass me by. So i learned to listen. And all i ever really have done is listen. And remember. i remember quite a bit about the majority of people i’ve met, and i think this is also a factor in my being upset at times and over-analyzing things. i feel as though since i remember a lot of things about people and try to pick up conversations where we left off, they should remember things about me, too….right?
This lack of opening up or just talking in general came from a long time ago….at least i think it did. Back when i was around 11, my bubbly, over extroverted self, i was told that i talked too much. Hmm. Maybe i take things too personally, but that hit deep. In fact, from that point on, i figured that if i was quiet for a few years and didn’t say anything, then when i started talking people would listen. The result…being quiet all of my junior high, just to speak and have…no change. So that’s where i learned to smile and nod. At least show that i was interested in what people said while remaining mostly silent, so that it didn’t seem like i was a complete jerk. (Note to the reader: i think. A lot. It might even be unhealthy how much i think.)
So then, college. Yeah, big jump, but not much changed since that time anyway. So i show up, and almost immediately find a group of people who i would cling to for a few years. i felt accepted for (mostly) me for the first time in a long, long while. Some prodded for a little bit for me to open up, to go past the surface-level freshman that i was. i kinda fit in. It felt nice, but it wasn’t exactly what i had hoped for. Sure, i had already started a better social life that i could’ve quite imagined, but it had its other side of the coin. For some reason, i was the kind of guy that has that personality that seems to be able to take a lot of teasing and flak without reacting. And i think that’s why it continued for years to come, because i didn’t stand up (for fear of being seen as weak and potentially losing that social group) and just let the jokes ensue. Sure, the group loved to tease, but nine times out of ten, it seemed i was the one who ended up getting to be the butt of all the jokes. (i’m not great at teasing, and i don’t want to be. i just can’t picture myself finding some sense of satisfaction at another’s potential hurt. Words hurt, people.)
Anyway, continuing through college, applying my exhaustive listening skills, i seemed to have developed a certain ability to connect with people that others couldn’t quite connect with. This had its ups and downs (by no means am i saying that being opened up to was a down, i’ll clarify in a minute.) Being able to show a genuine interest in a person’s life and seeing their earnest trust in my attention was rather rewarding. Sure, most of the time i didn’t have any kind of answer to give people, but i listened, which i think helps half the time, anyway.
Now what i meant by downs is that once people started to take notice of how easily people began to open up to me, i felt as though some people used this. i often heard, “Hey, go talk to this person and find out what’s wrong, they’re my good friend.” (Call me selfish, but that’s not exactly my responsibility, and they are your friend, wouldn’t you know them better than me?) So as a result, i tried my best not to bring to light this ‘ability’ i had, which i know several other people who do, as well. It’s not rare at all.
Jump again. So i decided to start trying to open up, and i feel this is where my social perspective started to change quite a bit. Opening up didn’t bring about the results i had anticipated. Yes, people listened, and yes people remembered, but it seemed to be such a fleeting moment in conversation. Not that i wanted to discuss things about me every day, but to have the very people who pointed out to me that i didn’t open up, not even cordially receive my act of opening up, made me become more grounded in the idea that what i had to say wasn’t important. So i shut up for a short while (not quite a whole three years again, not making that mistake again) and continued to just listen and live a surface-level life.
Don’t we all just want to fit in? To be fought for? To have someone go the extra mile for us? i know i did. i figured if i just waited until someone made it completely clear (without my over-analytical approach) that they wanted to know me more than anyone else, it could happen. Well, that’s basically a fairy tale, because people are only willing to invest a certain amount of time in people before giving up or assuming something else. Besides, smiles can fool people who aren’t looking for something beneath a smile.
So after a while, i was asked by a couple of my friends why i didn’t let people know about things going on in my life, and that’s when i thought, “Hey, maybe this is it. Maybe i should just start explaining. This is good.” So i started, stating that it began when someone told me that i talked too much…..as soon as those words had left my lips….the attention to the spilling of my guts had been diverted to a quick tease to me talking to much already. Wow. If you’ve ever wondered why i don’t open up, well it’s because the majority of the time i get the feeling that the listener doesn’t care, and i have plenty of examples to show it. i barely open up to the few, very few people i know currently care right now, and have very little to no intention of trying to open up to new people for fear of history repeating itself. Seriously, if someone starts to tell their life story, shut up and listen. Don’t speak in jest.
Well, that was different. i can say i’m definitely not used
to this, because i feel as though posts like this will be seen as
attention-getting or venting or unnecessary, but i’m sure at least one positive
thing can come from this, if not me trying to be open. That’s all.
August 11, 2011
Forgive me once again, as i struggle with the doubts of who You are. My stupid, ignorant, frail self, confused by the 'pleasures' of this evil world, becomes blind and deaf to Your Grace time and time again. Although i know You are True, You are Love, You Are, i forget. i am distracted. i get caught up in the ways of this world. But that changed, with You, that night, when You made Yourself clear. A night when no one else was around, when all was silent, and a gentle breeze and rain filled the sky. i questioned You, Your methods, Your ways, in my arrogance and confusion. Why? Something i could not comprehend, but You, in Your loving Grace and Mercy, showed me, an unworthy subject, You. My life changed. A path i thought could be deemed worthwhile, prevalent to Your Will, was shown differently by You Yourself. Laying on the ground, as rain poured onto my face, and the stars glimmering in the sky, as i shouted to You, "Where are You? Why am i? i want to hear You!" i asked for a sign, a symbol, a confirmation. Nothing coincidental, but yet, something that i, and only i, could comprehend. On a night where meteors would be abundant, none showed. When normally rain, hitting the skin in the cool of the night, would cause me to shiver, i felt warm. When nothing but the smell of rain and freshness, was suddenly penetrated and overwhelmed by a fragrance my senses had never experienced, when all around me was cold, soaked and wet, i felt free, warm and loved. it was then, and only then, that You made sense. Not the sense that has intrinsic value to us humans, but the sense that can only be experienced by knowing You. You appeared in a way that wouldn't be understood by everyone, but just me. A way that showed You loved me, for me. And i vowed that night, to do whatever i could possibly do, to never doubt again. To never give in again. To please You, and only You. To surrender all that i am, to depend solely upon You. Such emotions from that night will never be forgotten, and if i ever falter in times of trouble again, i will recall that night, and remember that moment of Truth that You revealed to me, allowed me to see. i thank You, for everything. Everything You've done, have done, will continue to do, knowing that i will probably mess up, fail You, pile dirt on Your name, misrepresent You, repeat the actions that You sacrificed Yourself for, sin. Your Love, i'll never fully grasp or comprehend. But one thing i do know: You Are. Thanks.
My Best Friend (You think you know, but you really don't)
My Best Friend
(You think you know, but you really don't)
i want to tell you about my best friend i once had. Considering the amount of time we’ve spent together over the course of my life, it’s only expected that i should speak of my friend. For now, i will just refer to my friend as “S.” (i want you to hear everything about S without actually knowing who S is, for now). S has always been by my side. S knew how to make me laugh all the time, put a smile on my face, help me find ways of comfort through tough times, was always present in times of grief, hung out with me and multiple buddies. S gave me a quick and easy avenue to vent frustrations and problems. S actually influenced a lot of the decisions i made over time and the things i took an interest in. Sometimes, because i sided with S, i would gain lots of friends, and others, i would lose lots of friends. Whether i made people happy or mad, S was present. i can’t really think of a time where i didn’t have some sort of dealing with S throughout the day. Talk about being connected at the hip, right?
But then, i gave up S…..wait, what? Yup. Who in their right mind would stop being friends with someone like S? Someone who could share the majority of the moments of your past life, help you gain some things, have a blast every now and then, that friend that you had turned to so much that it was just practical for S to be there with open arms, almost as if demanding you. Then i met someone else. Someone that would really change the way i lived. Some people i know, especially S, consider it to not be a wise decision in my life, because i have still experienced grief and conviction as a result of making this new friend. My new friend (i will refer to as G, who i actually had met long ago, but didn’t really get to know G until the past few years) has replaced S.
Upon reflection of my life, as fun as S was to have around, S was the worst possible friend to have, but i was blinded because of who i was then. S got me into a ton of trouble. S never really helped me to progress in life or to pursue the positive things (yes, i did make some gains with S, but it wasn’t right). When i really think about it, S never once forgave me. S actually never loved me. The ‘comfort’ S gave me (i liked at the time) wasn’t real, it was temporary, and it was wrong. S taught me to vent and deal with issues in my life in an easy way at those moments, but overtime, mainly destructive ways. How did i not notice what S was doing? S knew me very well, and S has been working this way for a long time.
G, however, patiently waited for me to find G. G loved me from the start, which i kinda rejected if i think about it. S did things that i enjoyed, but G required me to change. For the better. How do i find better than enjoyment? Realizing that i needed to change. G revealed to me that S was only there with me to, well, hurt me. S never intended to help me out. Yes, i began the story in a way that made it seem that way (because when S and i were BFFs, i thought that), but S wasn’t constructive to me at all. G saved me from S. [in my mind, i could write a novel about my life and experience with S, and what G has done so much better than S, but for time’s sake, i’ll wrap up].
As some of you might have guessed, my once best friend S, (who tries to visit me daily, still) is Sin. My past self really enjoyed the company of Sin, but ever since i met G, the friend that people need, the One who actually is the reason for any of us…yes, you guessed it. G, my best friend, is God. If i hadn’t met God and given up everything i was with Sin, i’d be dead. i know that. God saved me from Sin. What hurts me still, is seeing how easy it is to be befriended by Sin, and not realize the dangers of it. And what hurts even more, is that i know people who are basically dancing with Sin…..and what hurts even more, is that i haven’t even been doing all that i can to help break up their relationships with Sin so they can be delivered and saved from that life. So now, this is my charge, mainly to myself: Share the friendship that’s been waiting for longer than anyone has been alive. With God. Ask me about Him, i’ll tell you.
But then, i gave up S…..wait, what? Yup. Who in their right mind would stop being friends with someone like S? Someone who could share the majority of the moments of your past life, help you gain some things, have a blast every now and then, that friend that you had turned to so much that it was just practical for S to be there with open arms, almost as if demanding you. Then i met someone else. Someone that would really change the way i lived. Some people i know, especially S, consider it to not be a wise decision in my life, because i have still experienced grief and conviction as a result of making this new friend. My new friend (i will refer to as G, who i actually had met long ago, but didn’t really get to know G until the past few years) has replaced S.
Upon reflection of my life, as fun as S was to have around, S was the worst possible friend to have, but i was blinded because of who i was then. S got me into a ton of trouble. S never really helped me to progress in life or to pursue the positive things (yes, i did make some gains with S, but it wasn’t right). When i really think about it, S never once forgave me. S actually never loved me. The ‘comfort’ S gave me (i liked at the time) wasn’t real, it was temporary, and it was wrong. S taught me to vent and deal with issues in my life in an easy way at those moments, but overtime, mainly destructive ways. How did i not notice what S was doing? S knew me very well, and S has been working this way for a long time.
G, however, patiently waited for me to find G. G loved me from the start, which i kinda rejected if i think about it. S did things that i enjoyed, but G required me to change. For the better. How do i find better than enjoyment? Realizing that i needed to change. G revealed to me that S was only there with me to, well, hurt me. S never intended to help me out. Yes, i began the story in a way that made it seem that way (because when S and i were BFFs, i thought that), but S wasn’t constructive to me at all. G saved me from S. [in my mind, i could write a novel about my life and experience with S, and what G has done so much better than S, but for time’s sake, i’ll wrap up].
As some of you might have guessed, my once best friend S, (who tries to visit me daily, still) is Sin. My past self really enjoyed the company of Sin, but ever since i met G, the friend that people need, the One who actually is the reason for any of us…yes, you guessed it. G, my best friend, is God. If i hadn’t met God and given up everything i was with Sin, i’d be dead. i know that. God saved me from Sin. What hurts me still, is seeing how easy it is to be befriended by Sin, and not realize the dangers of it. And what hurts even more, is that i know people who are basically dancing with Sin…..and what hurts even more, is that i haven’t even been doing all that i can to help break up their relationships with Sin so they can be delivered and saved from that life. So now, this is my charge, mainly to myself: Share the friendship that’s been waiting for longer than anyone has been alive. With God. Ask me about Him, i’ll tell you.
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